Thursday, May 21, 2009
What To Do..?
I'm pretty exhausted so this probably won't be the best quality, but I have that nervous sick feeling where you need to get your thoughts outside of you.
I'm having conflicting feelings about this guy. There are plenty of red flags that literally say "Stay the hell away and create strong boundaries even for a friendship." He's not dangerous or anything, he's the sweetest guy, but he's just...complicated, to say the least. But I love spending time with him. I don't think he's particularly gorgeous, but we have so much fun. We talk and laugh and do things and see things.
I have the logical part of my head that tells me to stay away from the "more than friend" thoughts, because he's still a new-ish friend, and it would be a bad idea to ruin something that could end up being a long lasting friendship. I really don't want to make the same mistakes I made in the past where I ended up dating people and crossing that line that shouldn't have been crossed.
And then there's those damn feelings. If he talks or hangs out with another girl, I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that wants to reject what he's saying and ask, "What about me?" I want to be the one that he's paying attention to. When I am that one, I'm happy. If I get that all day, I'm happy. At the end of the day if his friend wants to take him aside to have a conversation, I have that instant jealousy instinct and then I get sad.
I need to not get attached. I need to be independent. Maybe I don't even like him in that way and it's just that I'm looking for someone to hold onto in a new place. Or maybe I just don't know where to create the boundaries, and talking about sex and not having it for a while makes it something that's more prominent in my mind. But I am not even sexually attracted, more emotionally. Or, they say for girls words are porn; it's sort of like that.
I'm confused. I just want to spend time with him, but when I look at him I couldn't really imagine being physical with him. But I hate that right now he's out hanging out with another girl. Even though it's his friend. It makes me want to cry.
Whenever I decide I will not think of him in that way and not get so attached so soon, the thoughts creep back into my head. I know if something happened it probably wouldn't be for the best. I know that in the past when I had warning thoughts, or even small reasons that should have kept me away, I always went for it anyway, and always feel that if I would have listened to myself I could have avoided bad situations. So that's what I should do. I should actually learn from my past, and just enjoy the time we spend together. And try not to care who he talks to or what he does, and maybe to spend so much alone time together.
All of this stuff can be way too complicated. Maybe when it's actually right, it won't be that way. It's natural to want a relationship, I suppose, though. And have feelings like that. So I just need to relax and see how it goes.