...breakups. You give your whole self to someone, they become your best friend and so much more, and then all of a sudden they're just gone. It's almost like when someone dies; they're there all the time and then all of a sudden they disappear. If you didn't meet through school, work, etc then this can definitely happen. You could never see them again. Which is so weird. One of the most confusing things to me is how you can share so much with one person, and then two years later you might not even think of them. Or they might not think of you, but you'll think of them. It's probably worse though when they're around.
In high school I dated a guy for a year who was in my group of friends. Not only that, but he sat right in front of me in first period. Then we broke up. How do you avoid that? I had to sit for an hour behind the guy I was in love with but could never have again (even though I initiated the breakup, there's always breakup remorse, like buyer's remorse). Needless to say, I cried before second period. That guy actually said to me "After a while of us not being together and you seeing me you'll get used to it and we can be friends again." Bullshit. It never went back to normal (my fault for dating a guy in my circle of friends). I had to stop hanging around them because it hurt too much to be around him.
Anyway, a couple weeks ago the guy I had been seeing for eight months decided it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. This was a person who became my best friend and the only person I spent time with because I had grown apart from all of my other friends (not because of him). I thought he would always be there. He said he would always be there. Don't they always, though? Why do guys say things if they don't mean them? Well, once I asked an ex why he told me he loved me one day when the next he ended our relationship. He said, "because I meant it then." Right. I guess things change?
So this guy...how I loved him. Of course I still do. His reasons for not wanting to see me probably won't make any sense to anyone (they don't really to me either), so there's no point in really sharing that part. Plus, it doesn't matter because if it's over then it's over so why go over the details. Of course there's always the whole "oh hey i dropped by just to... you know...talk...and stuff" option, but ex-sex is not a good thing. In the moment yes, but in the next many moments after that you'll be in tears and whining something incoherent between guteral sobs that sounds like "But I loved him and then he left and then I thought I had him back and he said he wouldn't leave again but he did and he used me but I love him but he doesn't want me/we can't be together but I love him" etc.
So, here I am. I'm past the crying daily stage. I think that stage is actually really important, cause if you avoid it then it will sneak up on you later. But god, it sucks horribly. You cry so hard and literally feel like it might kill you. You wonder how it's possible to go on without them. This time though, I decided to not dwell on it. I've had exes that took me a year or years to get over. I don't want that. I want to be happy. So once I was past the crying daily stage (not that I'll never cry about it again) instead of reliving those weak, angry, sad, disappointed feelings over and over, I try not to think about it. Or if I have a thought, I think it and then move on. I won't dwell on it.
I thought that it was so unfair, though. I mean, how could he do this to me? We had plans and I had ideas. We spent every day together. He understood me more than anyone else. No one that I know is as similar to me as he is. When you have an actual deep understanding of each other, that creates such a deep bond (for me at least), because I had boyfriends and friends that just never got me. So when I had my crying stage, it was for the loss of the person that I depended on and shared my true feelings with. But I felt like I needed him, so that was the unhealthy part. Instead of facing my feelings and dealing with my life, I would just go be with him and use his company as protection. So the real problem was that now not only did I have to face my depression and things that I percieved as failures, but I had to do it alone.
Instead of wasting my time with going back to my old friends who I have nothing in common with anymore, trying to have rebound sex with people I don't care about, drinking, etc, I'm taking this time to build myself up. I'm writing, and that's so important. For me it's the way that I express myself and honestly..cleanses my soul. I'm actually excercising, and I hadn't for so long. When I'm with someone I tend to neglect myself. Instead of taking the time to work out to look good for my significant other like some people might, I would just spend a lot of time with him, and when I wasn't I would feel so heavy. After we had the whole "this is the end" conversation on the phone, I hung up and actually felt free for some reason. Then of course the tears started. Breakups are really some emotional roller coasters.
But now I feel alright. I'm taking me-time. I realize it's good that we're not together because I'm going to school in a different state soon, so now I don't have to worry about how that would affect us. I don't really have any attachments here, besides my parents, because I've drifted apart from most of my friends. I'm glad though, because when I go away it will be easy. I'm ready for it. I don't feel lonely or that I'm a loser (thought you might think I am, ha) because this is what I need to do. I don't feel that I need to go be around people I won't have fun with just to be "social." I have a limited amount of time to spend with my family and they are the only ones who always have and always will be there for me.
At first I felt like I had nothing, though, and was so angry that he took away the only thing that I was holding on to. But then I started creating something for myself: me again. I think people, me included, tend to go through a re-invention after breakups, which can be good. You focus on yourself and realize what you had given up or compromised because of the other person, and that one day you'll find someone who you don't need, but want, and will fit in perfectly with your life. I did think that we were perfect, but I did choose to ignore some things that, in retrespect could have been deal breakers, but other things were going so well so I ignored them.
I used to think that relationships weren't worth it because going through the pain when they end hurts to much, especially because I'm super sensitive and when I go through a breakup I take it really hard. I experience such a sense of loss. I realized though that eventually, once the hurt heals (and it will) what will remain is what that you learned. You will have learned qualities that you like in a person, and what you don't. They may not be what you expected, but once you have experiences with people you can create your checklist of what is really important to you.
Like with that old highschool boyfriend, I realized that I needed someone to really understand the way I was, and with the most recent guy I got to experience how great that can actually be. You learn about how you want to be treated, and what you won't tolerate. Once you know what you want and what you don't want you won't have to waste time with people who aren't right for you. Even if you date someone for a short period of time you can learn little things, like, say, never date your friends' exes or sleep with someone who's an ass even if they're hot.
And of course, post-breakup is usually when you look the cutest because you take extra time to look good for either the ex or the next (doing it for the next is healthier, though).
What do you think about breakups? How do you get through them?
Thanks for reading.
♥
