Wednesday, April 29, 2009

My Rules for Breakups

Rules are never 100% applicable to everyone, , I'd say these are pretty good ideas to follow for after a breakup.

Cut off all contact for at least a few months if not permanently. You need time to think for yourself without their influence. Delete their number from your phone (sucks when you have it memorized though!), don't show up randomly at their house or places they usually go (stalker alert), and even delete them from Facebook/Myspace etc. You want to resist the urge to check up on them, because once you see they're out partying or have a new girlfriend, you'll feel bad. So why not avoid that if you can?

If you absolutely have to see him (school, work, kids, etc), don't be mean to him but don't go out of your way to see what he's up to. If you have to speak to him, be courteous but keep it to a minimum. If you pass him on the street/in the office etc say a "hello" and be on your way. You don't want to get sucked into the emotional drama roller coaster when the feelings are still fresh. If you throw out that "How are you, what's up?" rope, do you really want to know who he's hanging out with, what he's doing? You might think you do, but if you get an answer you don't like it will just upset you more. Don't fuel the drama!

Give yourself time to cry and cry and cry (and eat as many doughnuts as possible in short periods of time) and mourn the loss so that you can sort through your feelings. Then, once that stage is over, let the sadness come and go when it needs to, but allow yourself let that sadness pass so that you can feel good again. And then lay off the doughnuts and get your hot ass in to shape so you can feel confident for yourself because...

Food, alcohol, drugs, meaningless sex, etc will only mask your feelings temporarily. To heal them you have to actually face them and then let them go.

If it's over then it's over; if it ended once it'll end twice; don't sleep with the ex! Sleeping with him won't bring the relationship back, but it will bring the pain back. Even if you're on a "break" or you think you might get back together in the future, take time completely away from them to figure out what you want and need. Don't blurr the lines of ex/friend/friend with benefits unlesss you want to deal with that drama and hurt feelings.

Give yourself plenty of me-time to relax and pursue activities that are healthy for you. Take up exercise or engage in a creative outlet. Try pursuing something that you always wanted to try but neglected because you put so much energy into the other person.

Talking about it at first is healthy; complaing about him for months is not. Your friends can only hear his name so many times before they will want to strangle you. Plus, they probably won't completely get the situation anyway and then you'll end up feeling even worse because "they just don't understand." Gossiping about it and having that empowering girlfriend talk where all your friends go "Screw that bastard, he was lucky to have you and is a useless piece of shit anyway" is fun at first, but eventually it'll just make you feel more pathetic for dwelling on it. Because of he's so useless, you don't need to talk about him or even let a thought the memory of him pollute your happiness.

Eventually you have to just let it go. No matter how you feel in a given moment, life will go on and change. Things will get better. And then worse for a little bit. And then much better again

Only get into the next relationship not only when you're over your ex, but when you're ready for one. You have to be in a healthy place mentally for a relationship to work out becuase no matter how much we would like them to, no one else can ever "fix" your issues. And never get with someone to get over someone else; it never works, it just gets more confusing! Wait at the shortest a few months, but 6 months to 1 year or more is much safer.

Know that while you may have loved him, enjoyed your time with him, or even depended on him for everything etc, you are your own person and you will be okay on your own. It's something that you need to learn to really be confident about yourself, to be independent, and to really appreciate when someone good and worth it comes into your life.

Thanks for Reading

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