Can I Have Both Please?

It would be really nice to find a guy that is able to carry on an interesting, intellectual (two sided!) conversation AND is attractive. Sometimes it seems that they are either one or the other. You may realize at the end of a relationship that you were completely wrong for each other, but you got together because of lust. Lust can have such a strong pull. After all, it's built into our bodies from the caveman days to find potential mates based on healthy physical attributes.

Or, you have a really good friend who you know would be the best boyfriend ever... but you could never bring yourself to that point because you're not sexually attracted to them. If you really like them enough the attraction can grow. But sometimes, you just can't even go there. Even if you wish it could work out, you can't force yourself to be with someone who you have zero attraction to. On a scale from 1 to 10, if the attraction is a 6 or 7, it may grow if they are the most amazing person. If it's at a 2, it's pretty hard. I've tried once, it ends horribly. Now that is awkwardness. 

I want someone who has both. Sometimes I wish I could combine people. A lot of times I'd like to be back together with the last guy I was with, who I loved deeply. He was everything I wanted. I was attracted to him, but not in a way where it's so overpowering that you're self conscious. We had deep conversations but we were able to sit in silence without any awkwardness,  just enjoying each other's company. I wanted to be with him physically, but I also wanted to hear what he had to say about life. If he wanted to be with me, I would have done the long distance thing when I moved to another state. Unfortunately, it ended before that.

Being in love  can make life so much more fulfilling and interesting. And sometimes it just helps to pass the time pleasantly. Being in a relationship with the right person allows you to be totally comfortable and completely yourself. You could be locked in a room with them for 72 hours straight and never get bored. I miss it. I miss him. 

What To Do..?

I'm pretty exhausted so this probably won't be the best quality, but I have that nervous sick feeling where you need to get your thoughts outside of you.

I'm having conflicting feelings about this guy. There are plenty of red flags that literally say "Stay the hell away and create strong boundaries even for a friendship." He's not dangerous or anything, he's the sweetest guy, but he's just...complicated, to say the least. But I love spending time with him. I don't think he's particularly gorgeous, but we have so much fun. We talk and laugh and do things and see things. 

 I have the logical part of my head that tells me to stay away from the "more than friend" thoughts, because he's still a new-ish friend, and it would be a bad idea to ruin something that could end up being a long lasting friendship. I really don't want to make the same mistakes I made in the past where I ended up dating people and crossing that line that shouldn't have been crossed.

And then there's those damn feelings. If he talks or hangs out with  another girl, I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that wants to reject what he's saying and ask, "What about me?" I want to be the one that he's paying attention to. When I am that one, I'm happy. If I get that all day, I'm happy. At the end of the day if his friend wants to take him aside to have a conversation, I have that instant jealousy instinct and then I get sad. 

I need to not get attached. I need to be independent. Maybe I don't even like him in that way and it's just that I'm looking for someone to hold onto in a new place. Or maybe I just don't know where to create the boundaries, and talking about sex and not having it for a while makes it something that's more prominent in my mind. But I am not even sexually attracted, more emotionally. Or, they say for girls words are porn; it's sort of like that.

I'm confused. I just want to spend time with him, but when I look at him I couldn't really imagine being physical with him. But I hate that right now he's out hanging out with another girl. Even though it's his friend.  It makes me want to cry.

Whenever I decide I will not think of him in that way and not get so attached so soon, the thoughts creep back into my head. I know if something happened it probably wouldn't be for the best. I know that in the past when I had warning thoughts, or even small reasons that should have kept me away, I always went for it anyway, and always feel that if I would have listened to myself I could have avoided bad situations. So that's what I should do. I should actually learn from my past, and just enjoy the time we spend together. And try not to care who he talks to or what he does, and maybe to spend so much alone time together. 

All of this stuff can be way too complicated. Maybe when it's actually right, it won't be that way. It's natural to want a relationship, I suppose, though. And have feelings like that. So I just need to relax and see how it goes. 

Wow...

Okay, so I am here in a different state, starting at a new college. There's things I love here, and things I don't. 

I've been here just over a week and I've already made great friends. People here are really nice. That said, being here in a big city, you have to be careful. No matter what you wear, guys will yell things at you. Homeless guys will say "Hey gorgeous, spare change?" and guys will come up to you and go "Damn, how you doin?" 

I actually had this really scary situation happen to me where I was inside a restaurant and this crazy guy came up super close to me saying nonsense about 2 inches away from me. That freaked me out. The owner had to literally push him out of the restaurant, screaming "Fuck you, get the fuck out." So...that was the downside of my time here. And strangely, other people say they haven't had any problems other than homeless people asking for change.  And that situation was horrible. Someone invading your space who will not leave even if you physically push them. Being a girl/woman automatically has you fear for your safety more than guys do and situations like that scare the shit out of you.

But, besides that, it's been fun. In this city everything is close either by walking distance or public transportation. It's also really green here, so even though you have the city, the streets are lined with trees and 10 min outside the city there's forest. 

Another thing that I have to get used to is relying on myself for food. Either going to the grocery store or picking it up or making it, and I am so not a chef. But I am hypoglycemic so I NEED to eat every few hours, and need to eat protein, otherwise I will be really weak and feel sick. But when I get stressed, it's hard for me to eat, so sometimes I can't eat, and then I feel more sick, and it's a vicious circle. I'm used to family being there for me to help cook or pick up something or go out to lunch with. Actually tonight I made food with friends, so that's a good strategy.

And, there's two close guy friends I've made, and a girl friend.My school is an art/design school...so lets just say it's filled with artists/nerds/computer geniuses, and then people like me who are studying fashion. It's a pretty funny mix. Right off the bat you can tell if someone's major is Graphic Design or Animation versus Fashion Design or Marketing. So these guys are into computers, film, art, etc...are tall and skinny, and when you see them you definitely wouldn't think "OMG THEY'RE SO HOT!"

But they are SO nice. And funny. And really there for me so far. And I have trouble between being able to differentiate if someone should be a friend or not. Because I like to be close to people. But, it would be a horrible idea to date someone in your dorm (in case you break up), and  I wouldn't want to ruin any friendships. Plus I kind of like both of them...haha. But one has a girlfriend. Plus, I miss the other guy. Whenever I hear songs, I think of him. I still hate him for ruining something amazing. So no matter what, I have to remember that I have to restrain myself from anything untill I am completely over that.

I probably won't be writing about too much makeup anymore, because I don't really have the time to upload a bunch of pictures anymore. So I might go back and delete those and make this a personal blog/journal, or create a new one. I'm not sure...what do you think?

The Phone Call...

It sucks when, two days before you're moving to a different state, your ex calls you up because he wants to see you. Even though you haven't talked in over in month, and if you weren't leaving, it wouldn't have made a difference and he wouldn't want to see you. The games people play. It would be a nice gesture, but he knows how emotional I am; our break-up conversation was like 3 hours long of me crying hysterically, so...it's really not fair. I'm not going to see him because I can't afford to get all emotially messed up before I travel and have to change my whole life. But talking to him did that enough for me because the wound is still fresh, I loved him more than anyone, he understood me more than anyone, I thought we had a future together. I still have that part of me that hates him for ruining a good thing and thinks that we could have made it through, and untill that part of me is gone, any "reunion" will just be a big crying mess for me. It's only been a month and that's too soon for me be friends and pretend like nothing ever happened.

I've been fine this whole time about leaving, but then I went to sleep after talking to him and had this weird dream about telling all of my friends good bye and for some reason it made me feel strangely. I can't explain it better, other than this dream just made me feel doubtful because I'm saying goodbye to people I love. Which is true, but that doesn't change the fact that we've grown so much apart that they wouldn't have noticed me being gone if I didn't tell them. They have their lives and I have mine and for so long they haven't been intertwined. But, there's that part of me that wished I could have maintained a good relationship with them, that I stuck it out at a school I hated so that I could still be apart of the group and be graduating with them and see them everyday so I wasn't just cast aside (I graduated early from a different school).

But it hasn't happened that way. I had the courage to do the right thing for me, and again that's what I'm doing. To say goodbye to what doesn't work and be open to new opportunities and experiences that will be good for me. I'm just scared to tell my old friends tomorrow, maybe they'll be mad and feel like I'm abandoning them a second time? But real abondonment is forgetting about someone just because they make a change in their life that means they won't get to see you everyday. You don't forget your true friends. And they basically did that. Maybe they think I did that to them. Maybe no one will care that I'm leaving.

I have to tell them so last minute because the entire thing was so last minute. I've been good and ready untill an hour ago when I had this weird feeling, but I guess that's to be expected after I talked to the person I loved who isn't in my life anymore. It doesn't change the fact that my entire material life is on a truck up north ready to be delivered to my new place, so I have no choice anyway. And that's for the best. I think it's going to be the right thing for me, and even if it turns out it's not yet the right fit, it will help me continue to find the right fit and I will have experienced and learned something new. That's basically what life is; using what didn't work to figure out what will work by taking with you what you learned along the way.