Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
then it's time to lay off.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
What do you think?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I've been fine this whole time about leaving, but then I went to sleep after talking to him and had this weird dream about telling all of my friends good bye and for some reason it made me feel strangely. I can't explain it better, other than this dream just made me feel doubtful because I'm saying goodbye to people I love. Which is true, but that doesn't change the fact that we've grown so much apart that they wouldn't have noticed me being gone if I didn't tell them. They have their lives and I have mine and for so long they haven't been intertwined. But, there's that part of me that wished I could have maintained a good relationship with them, that I stuck it out at a school I hated so that I could still be apart of the group and be graduating with them and see them everyday so I wasn't just cast aside (I graduated early from a different school).
But it hasn't happened that way. I had the courage to do the right thing for me, and again that's what I'm doing. To say goodbye to what doesn't work and be open to new opportunities and experiences that will be good for me. I'm just scared to tell my old friends tomorrow, maybe they'll be mad and feel like I'm abandoning them a second time? But real abondonment is forgetting about someone just because they make a change in their life that means they won't get to see you everyday. You don't forget your true friends. And they basically did that. Maybe they think I did that to them. Maybe no one will care that I'm leaving.
I have to tell them so last minute because the entire thing was so last minute. I've been good and ready untill an hour ago when I had this weird feeling, but I guess that's to be expected after I talked to the person I loved who isn't in my life anymore. It doesn't change the fact that my entire material life is on a truck up north ready to be delivered to my new place, so I have no choice anyway. And that's for the best. I think it's going to be the right thing for me, and even if it turns out it's not yet the right fit, it will help me continue to find the right fit and I will have experienced and learned something new. That's basically what life is; using what didn't work to figure out what will work by taking with you what you learned along the way.
Monday, May 4, 2009
In Honey Do and Cherry Bomb.
A person might develop an eating disorder because of stress, societal expectations, influence by thethe media, kids teasing them, etc, really any number or combination of things. Television practically endorses them by glorifying super skinny people, though thankfully they are also slowly letting shapely, curvy bodies into the spotlight as well. On the internet there are websites that literally do endorse them. Anorexics go to get encouragement for their fast and a congratulations when they didn't eat for 5 days, but recieve a "bad you, do better next time" when they eat a sandwich for lunch. Seriously, watch what your 13 year old does on the internet, and if you visit this kind of thing, do not get sucked in! Just because some people abuse their bodies and want to be 95 pounds and think that being skinny is the be-all end-all in life, doesn't mean that you have to do the same. You are so much more than your body, because after all, no matter what you do it will grow old and you will leave it behind.
Constant weighing/dieting/focusing on your weight fluctuations enables the disorder. You can claim to be healthy by working out and eating well, but if you weigh yourself daily and feel bad when you gain .5 pounds, you still have symptoms of a disorder. If everyone thinks you're thin and in shape but still think you need to lose weight, that's a symptom of a disorder. Because you're making everything about one thing that you want to obsess about and control; weight, instead of how you feel in yoru body.
Anorexics/Bulimics freak out about every pound. They have strangely specific goal weights like 104 or 123 and feel happy when they lost 2 pounds of waterweight but might start crying if they gained 3. They will document that their weight on Monday was 108. 2, their weight on Tuesday was 107.5, but their weight on Wednesday was 111.5. It's really like that, every pound matters to them, even though you will naturally be heavier at night than in the morning and fluctuate throughout the day/week/month. A normal normal person might actually go up and down within a ten pound range within a given month. A sick person will fluctuate when they starve and then binge, or expect to lose 10 pounds in a week by not eating a thing. If you lose 10 pounds in a week then that is most likely due to water weight, or starvation, and in which case you will instantly gain it back becuase it was lost so fast.
When people compliment someone who has a disorder on their weight, that enables the disorder as well. They will think "But so and so said I looked good, but I gained 2 pounds, so I need to lose 5." They might ask the sick person why they are thin, and the answer is diet and exercise, but also an eating disorder. Stopping eating/restricting and then bingeing/throwing up/exercising for 10 hours a day is not glamorous, it is not healthy, it is not fun, it is not a quick way to get in shape and look good. It is a quick way to screw yourself up, become obsessed, and land yourself crying in therapy for 5 years. I'm not exagerating, I'm not making fun of it, I'm serious. I know.
I referred to the person with an eating disorder as sick because they are. If the physical aspects like weight loss, weight gain, weak hair, weak teeth, weak bones, a weak immune system, etc haven't taken their toll yet, it doesn't matter becuase being sick in the head is still being sick. Depression, anxiety, and even just chronic negative thinking and low self esteem are serious issues that if ignored will persist for possibly an entire life.
You can not be cured until you stop the focus on weight. You can't become fully healthy physically and mentally if you weigh yourself 3 times a day and have the mind set that you are only okay if you eat a certain amount of calories a day and work out for 14 hours a week and fit into a certain pair of jeans.
True happiness and confidence comes from loving yourself no matter what, but loving yourself enough to be healthy and take care of yourself. It is healthy to eat balanced, nutritious food and give yourself a treat sometimes. It is not healthy to restrict calories and make yourself weak, beat yourself up if you don't work out for 3 hours daily, and then throw up when you feel fat or sad etc.
When you recover from an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia, you will probably gain weight (because you're actually taking in calories that your body needs). Maybe 10 pounds. But you will be happy for once because you can focus on other things. You will be healthy because you stop being weak or dizzy from not eating and then depressed and sick when you binge. 10 pounds is huge to someone with an eating disorder, but to someone healthy who isn't overweight, it's maybe a size up and just means you're a little curvier. I'd rather have ten extra pounds and curves than only be able to think about food all the time and have a heart attack when there are cookies around. Plus, you should want your body to be strong. Muscle is heavy...so you can want 6 pack abs but if feel bad when the number on the scale goes up a little because of muscle you gained that's just not logical.
You have to know that it's not about how many hours you exercise or how many calories you take in or even how much you weigh, or even how you look. Most important is how you feel about life and yourself. You will actually survivie if you don't exercise for a week or a month and eat some cookies. Cookies are good! Restricting them will make you want them more and turn them into a big poisonous entity that haunts you while you sleep, when it's just an inanimate object. If you get a little lazy, well, everyone does. Many anorexics can't even exercise because they're too weak. Eating disorders aren't about being too fat, they're about body image, negative feelings, depression, low self esteem, feeling helpless, wanting to have control over something, etc.
I just hope for everyone that they can be both healthy, confident, and happy. Life isn't about the way your body looks unless you make it that way. It's about having fun, learning, doing things that make you smile, feeling good, and taking care of yourself. For those with eating disorders I hope that one day you can be completely healed of it and be able to get to a point where you don't care about that number on the scale, where you can eat a piece of cake and be okay about it, and not make yourself physically and mentally sick.
If you have a problem, seek help immediately. It will be so hard to beat it on your own. You can't trust yourself because you probably have an unhealthy thought pattern by now. Plus, you got yourself into this mess in the first place, for whatever reason. You might not want to sit with a therapist and whine about your problems, but if you need help then you need help. It is brave to admit it. It is okay to go to therapy for 2 months or 2 years and then stop when you have the tools to help yourself , but you need a professional to at least show you how to change your negative thought process to a healthy one. You're only alone if you make it that way.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Unfortunately, she has to stay with my mom because I'm moving into a dorm. A pet can be like a friend that's always there for you...except they don't talk. Which is better sometimes. Ha. I'm going to miss her.
Just a quick random post, I'm getting all my stuff together to move. To a new city. Where I don't know my way around. Alone. It'll definitely be something to get used to but hopefully I'll learn a lot, further my education, make friends, and be happy there.
♦Smoked it out slightly by adding some black (Urban Decay Zero) in the crease
♦Used a frosty browbone highlight color (Mac's Frost pigment)
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I do have to say that the matte lipsticks can be a little drying on the lips, not very long lasting, and definitely accentuate the lines (on me at least...some people love them), except for the red one (Chaos). They do carry gorgeous reds. The frosty and shimmery colors are more moisturizing and last for a while, but don't expect them to last all day (none really do anyway). You can always get these just to see how a color looks on you and then purchase a similar color from a higher end brand. I'd do that more for mattes because sheer lipsticks of any brand seem to wear pretty similar, but it's harder to find a moisturizing matte lipstick.
frosted flakes, ceto, cinnamon sugar, cream, summerlove, vitamin.
♦Last a long time
♦Have to go back for a fill after a week or two or the growth looks weird
♦Done by a professional
♦ Have to go to the salon to get them done (30 min-1 hour)
♦Have to pay the salon price ($20-50)
♦If you have sensitive nails it can hurt when they file them down
♦Hard to take off by yourself
♦Usually painful to take off regardless of if you go to the salon to do it
♦To have the removal process be pain free you would probably have to soak them in acetone for an hour
♦Damages your nail, either slightly or severely (makes them weak, leaves weird indentatoins)
Press Ons (with glue, not strip):
♦Can get these at any drugstore
♦Can do them yourself
♦Looks like salon nails
♦Much cheaper (around $8 usually)
♦Lasts a long time
♦No nail damage
♦Can take off quickly and pain-free by soaking in acetone for a minute or less and poking underneath with a nail tool (they pop right off)
These are press-ons. I definitely prefer them to acrylics. Cheap, easy to apply and take off, and