Monday, May 18, 2009

How Soon is Too Soon?

I've been reading Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. While he makes many good points in his book, something he says should be a rule in relationships got me thinking. It is called the 90 Day Rule. This completely throws out the "Should I have sex on the first date?" question by saying that once you start dating someone you shouldn't have sex for 90 days, which is about 3 months.

I totally get this. In a perfect world, it's good advice that everyone could follow. It would mean that people would sort through a lot more of the bad relationships before giving up that part of yourself, which can cause intense feelings and more drama. Is it realistic for everyone though? No. For someone who's waiting till marriage, no big deal. It would actually be way too short. Some might think it's a good idea to wait 6 months, or untill you're absolutely sure they'll be around for very long time.

For many sexually active women today, they would say no way in hell. They might wait 5 dates or one or a couple months or whatever. But if they were forced to wait 3 months some would definitely be trying to get a little somethin on the side, depending on the person. So instead you're supposed to actually date. Go places. Have fun outside of the bedroom. Meet the family. 

But I would say the rule doesn't apply to everyone because some people aren't looking for a relationship either. If a girl is looking for a one night stand or someone to just mess around with (realizing there is the risk of losing some self esteem or facing complications aka "I love the guy who's using me for sex" or vice versa, or an STD), then she wouldn't need to wait that long figuring out all the details of his life.

For me I learned that I have to get to know them enough to trust them, and date them long enough to know that they'll be around for a while. I mean it's an intimate, special thing. If you don't know them that well, it's invasive. That's your insides for god sakes. There's your health at risk. But I know in the past there were times I definitely didn't wait 3 months. Or one.  And when I look back on that I think jumped into some things really quick, but with some I still ended up having long rleationships after. But sometimes that can turn into an unhealthy relationship if it started because of pure lust, rather than waiting to take that step and getting to know them. And possibly realizing you just don't like them that much. 

Another situation where the rule doesn't fit into is if you've been friends with someone forever. If you've known them for say, 6 months or a year as friends, but only decided recently that you wanted to take it to that next level, then even the first date could be the right time to step it up physically. It's not like you don't know them. You might know already that you can trust them and they're a great person. In my experience it is a good idea to take some time to see if you're compatible romantically before you jump right into bed with someone who was "just a friend" in the past. Cause if it ends up not feeling right...can you say "awkward?"

It really depends on what you're looking for and how you want to be treated. I think you have to stop for a second and think about the aftereffects though, because something that feels good in the moment might not turn out to be the best for you. You have to ask yourself:

♦Will this be worth it if it doesn't work out?

♦Will I look back on this and regret it?

♦How long are they going to be around and how long do I want them around?

♦Do I know them well enough, or does it not matter?

♦Am I willing to share this part of myself with this person?

♦And will I deal with the repercussions if there are any?

What do you think?

: )

1 comment:

  1. It seems as if everyone is reading this Steve Harvey book, but because of the generation differential I just can't get behind it. I feel as if he speaks from a generation that is two/three removed from ours, so it's hard to materialize his words, in my opinion.

    Also his current relationship... Well let me just say this he makes a big deal about women being chaste in the book, but not so much a big deal about it when it comes to his real life.

    For me, sex does not define me as a woman. I do it when I want to, and don't when I don't want to. I don't feel as if it is some special, sacred part of me that needs to be protected. This is not to say that I'm foolish with those that I choose to sleep with, but I don't feel the need to have any waiting period.

    From what I've heard, it seems as if Harvey's book does not take into account is that everyone is different. He seems to have slightly antiquated ideals of what women should do to 'trap a man'. I understand that he's giving the males perspective, but from my personal experiences, nothing he says has held true.

    I guess the books purpose is to be taken with a grain of salt. Just giving you something else to consider when you go out into the dating world, but since I do decently by myself - I think I'll just stick to what I'm doing, lol.


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