The Phone Call...

It sucks when, two days before you're moving to a different state, your ex calls you up because he wants to see you. Even though you haven't talked in over in month, and if you weren't leaving, it wouldn't have made a difference and he wouldn't want to see you. The games people play. It would be a nice gesture, but he knows how emotional I am; our break-up conversation was like 3 hours long of me crying hysterically, so...it's really not fair. I'm not going to see him because I can't afford to get all emotially messed up before I travel and have to change my whole life. But talking to him did that enough for me because the wound is still fresh, I loved him more than anyone, he understood me more than anyone, I thought we had a future together. I still have that part of me that hates him for ruining a good thing and thinks that we could have made it through, and untill that part of me is gone, any "reunion" will just be a big crying mess for me. It's only been a month and that's too soon for me be friends and pretend like nothing ever happened.

I've been fine this whole time about leaving, but then I went to sleep after talking to him and had this weird dream about telling all of my friends good bye and for some reason it made me feel strangely. I can't explain it better, other than this dream just made me feel doubtful because I'm saying goodbye to people I love. Which is true, but that doesn't change the fact that we've grown so much apart that they wouldn't have noticed me being gone if I didn't tell them. They have their lives and I have mine and for so long they haven't been intertwined. But, there's that part of me that wished I could have maintained a good relationship with them, that I stuck it out at a school I hated so that I could still be apart of the group and be graduating with them and see them everyday so I wasn't just cast aside (I graduated early from a different school).

But it hasn't happened that way. I had the courage to do the right thing for me, and again that's what I'm doing. To say goodbye to what doesn't work and be open to new opportunities and experiences that will be good for me. I'm just scared to tell my old friends tomorrow, maybe they'll be mad and feel like I'm abandoning them a second time? But real abondonment is forgetting about someone just because they make a change in their life that means they won't get to see you everyday. You don't forget your true friends. And they basically did that. Maybe they think I did that to them. Maybe no one will care that I'm leaving.

I have to tell them so last minute because the entire thing was so last minute. I've been good and ready untill an hour ago when I had this weird feeling, but I guess that's to be expected after I talked to the person I loved who isn't in my life anymore. It doesn't change the fact that my entire material life is on a truck up north ready to be delivered to my new place, so I have no choice anyway. And that's for the best. I think it's going to be the right thing for me, and even if it turns out it's not yet the right fit, it will help me continue to find the right fit and I will have experienced and learned something new. That's basically what life is; using what didn't work to figure out what will work by taking with you what you learned along the way.